Tuesday, 31 December 2013

The BMW game

I invented a new game for use on my weekly walk to the pub. I think it's suitable for most urban environments. Who knows it might even keep the kids amused on a motorway journey.

Here is how it goes: 

Set off on your walk to the pub or the shops and keep a sharp lookout. You may continue your journey as long as you are in sight of a BMW or an Audi parked outside a house or driving by on the road. If you can no longer see either car in front or behind you then you may take another hundred paces in the hope that another BMW or Audi turns up. After that I guess you have to stop.

But you needn't worry. 

It turns out there are so many that you will reach your destination without a problem.

Don't try this with Ford, Nissan or Subaru for example. These are rare cars unlike Audi and BMW...

Monday, 30 December 2013

Blue is the new Red

Aah: The Festive Season: 

Folks decorate their Christmas trees. They decorate their living rooms, and these days they decorate their houses and front gardens with strings of lights.

The colour of choice these days is a strident blue, which glows and flickers through one's curtains at night and gives the impression that the Police have just arrived outside.

Not that we have anything to hide. Clearly...

Saturday, 21 December 2013


A man walks into a bar. 
The barmaid says to him "The usual, sir?" 
He says ".....

No. Actually we can't tell this joke, it sends all sorts of wrong messages. It can't be a man because that is gender specific, so it has to be a person.

OK. A person walks into a bar. 

No. Stop. First of all walking is not PC, as it excludes wheelchair users so we need to replace "walks" with the much more neutral "goes". 

Also the whole bar thing is wrong. It endorses the concept of alcohol consumption.
Let's make it some neutral public place. This is good, because I wasn't sure how we were going to deal with the female barmaid figure anyway.

Clearly the rude double entendre in the original has to be removed for fear that sensibilities are disturbed, so we can replace that with something less controversial, something non specific.

Here we go.

A person goes into a generic public place and has a conversation with an employee. 
A misunderstanding occurs with hilarious results.

I thank you.  See. It's the way that I tell 'em.

Wednesday, 18 December 2013


Buy tree. 
Put tree up.
Test lights. Decorate tree. Switch lights on.
Remove lights. Take decorations down again. Take tree to tip.

Is it really a whole year since we did this last time?

Tuesday, 17 December 2013

Sore Afraid

Shepherds, down the pub, discussing all the celestial commotion last night...

Monday, 16 December 2013

Deck the Halls


Time to dress the church for the festive season. Our church has grown long lines of tiny little lamps that trace the pillars and hang across the nave.

I suppose I can cope with "festive" but I am always suspicious of something described as "fun".


Friday, 13 December 2013

Buy the product

"You have ten seconds to comply..."

O the joy of Christmas Shopping. Is this really the reason for the season?

Thursday, 12 December 2013


I've invented a new word. MicroVodaphobia

This is the fear of ridicule from having bought an inferior phone. This is a regrettable all pervading syndrome in modern affluent society where mere things are counted as more important than people and relationships. 

To ensure I am not affected my this doubt, I just bought the mighty Google Nexus 5, which is truly awesome. 

So: Go get over it, loser..... :-)

Tuesday, 10 December 2013


Life is full of surprises.

I came down to breakfast this morning and discovered an Alien in my teacup. 

You would think that a superior species that had mastered interplanetary travel would be smart enough to avoid getting trapped in a tea cup.

PS. Aliens are smaller than I expected. Perhaps we need not be so frightened.

Friday, 6 December 2013


Don't stop me now, don't say pardon
sorting me thoughts and getting a Bard-on
Siftin da words - every line is fillable
layin it down in every syllable
Feelin da heat, keepin da beat
working onda rhymes so it's nice and neat
So don't sit sight, don't be passive
Dis is da big one, dis is massive
I tellin' you straight, don't make no bones
please switch off all mobile phones...


Thursday, 5 December 2013


It's dark at breakfast, dark at tea,
And in between we only see
Clouds hurrying across the sky
And rain-wet roads the wind blows dry

From a poem by John Betjemen, a worthy pencil squeezer or I'm a Dutchman.

Sunday, 1 December 2013

Revisited revisited

I revisited St Cross almshouses before, and I was so impressed I went back again yesterday.

What a nice place to see out your days, or so it appears from the outside, it's like something from a Trollope novel. 

This was a lovely haven of peace among the foolishness that was Winchester yesterday. We tried quite hard to go shopping there but gave up due to lack of parking. We returned to Newbury to inspect the tack that was on sale there instead.

Oh well.