Wednesday, 21 September 2016

This way

I have news for you, June Lane:  You are the centre of the Universe.

PS. Whatever happened to pointy finger signs?

Monday, 19 September 2016

Retaining bolt

Gravity is unreliable.

This closely guarded fact is kept from the public by a cautious government for fear that it will cause panic. We naturally assume gravity will always be there and will always work, but this is not the case.

In certain circumstances gravity gets distracted and forgets the rules.

This is why, at the top of large (and therefore massive) hills you will always find the Retaining Bolt that keeps the whole thing screwed securely to Mother Earth.

Sunday, 11 September 2016

Real or fake

No, surely not?

But yet, maybe they are serious. The only way to find out is to get your cheque book out and call their bluff.

Wednesday, 31 August 2016

Between solos

This is what happens in between your 16 bar solos* 

You put your box of cats down and sup some ale.

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* A solo would normally be 8 bars but as we know, musicians have to be hauled off the stage with a hook on a pole when it comes to solos.

Wednesday, 24 August 2016

Musical notes

Many of you already know that bagpipes are powered by a total of four cats. Three of them set off the droning noise while the fourth one is encouraged to make the melody. Its tail is squeezed by an arrangment of holes and levers.

Thanks to the marvels of modern miniaturisation, this squeeze box here has no less than thirty two baritone cats. Individual buttons poke the cats in various places.

Clearly any instrument this ambitious takes some considerable pumping to keep going.

Monday, 22 August 2016

Waiting for the Chorus*

Folk Club:

In Sir Patrick Spens I clean forgot
The forty second verse,
so I sang the twenty seventh 
twice as loud and in reverse, and no-one noticed**

*Usually involves "Heave Away"

**Fred Wedlock, I believe